I have a confession to make: I’m not who I thought I was.
See, I’ve been freelancing for a LONG time. A writer by trade, I’ve created (and marketed) more content than… well, I don’t know. I’m not sure how to quantify something like that. Let’s just say it’s a LOT of content. An abundance of content. A plethora if you will, a nod to my fellow logophiles out there.
“You need it? I can write it.” That’s been my motto and, truth be told, it’s served me well over the years. It’s the HOW that let me walk away from my corporate job so many years ago, so that I could branch out on my own, and it’s the reason I’ve been able to learn so many other (connected) skills that allowed me to offer a bigger wheelhouse of talents to potential clients.
Sure… there have been challenges along the way, and I won’t pretend that freelancing is always easy. It most definitely is not. But overall, I wouldn’t trade it and, more to the point, it has helped me hone my first love (of writing) while also offering what has proven to be a profitable and adventurous career working for myself.
In fact, if I had to choose ONE THING that I would change, it would have been making time to work on my stuff as well. Put simply, I’ve been busy. Crazy busy at times, and while that can be a good thing, it makes it difficult to turn your energies inward.
At least, that’s what I kept telling myself when I put my projects off, so that I could work on other things.
But what I’m realizing is that maybe (ok, most probably) that was just an easy excuse to delay what I subconsciously perceived to be an inevitable confrontation:
I needed to face my fears.
Now, this was a hard revelation to come to terms with, not because I didn’t want to do it, but because I didn’t know I had said fears in the first place.
I mean, this should be my comfort zone. I’ve been doing this kind of work for years. And I’ve never once flinched at a project that I thought might stretch my skills. Just the opposite, I relish a good challenge.
And yet…
Here I sit, finding it almost impossible to work on my projects. So much so, that I’ve caught myself wandering around the house, looking for things to do. Things like cleaning out my closet. Organizing the cabinet under the sink. Napping. And doing laundry… there’s always laundry.
Like writing THIS POST instead of working on my book.
And isn’t that crazy?
That I might subconsciously find ways to resist what I truly want to do, because… what? I might fail? I might succeed? What is it exactly that has me scrambling to avoid such a golden opportunity?
It’s not the tasks themselves; I do this same kind of work for other people all the time. And it’s not boredom or burnout. I like what I do and I enjoy being creative. I’m also genuinely excited about the projects and ideas I have in mind.
The difference — and this is really the only difference — is that I’m trying to do what I do for me.
I’m the client in this scenario and for some silly reason, that’s got me on edge.
Now, the good news is that I’m a “call it for what it is” kind of girl, and in this instance, that means unpacking this very weird but nonetheless debilitating hang-up. It’s also got me wondering how many other times have I done this very same thing?
How long have I been standing in my own way?
I don’t have an answer for that question… at least, not yet. But this is ME telling YOU that I will absolutely get to the bottom of it and report back.
Although — full disclosure — I can’t promise I won’t clean out the junk drawer first.